I met the friendliest cop last night
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
