please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Buhtt sex?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
