Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
That was before I lit my hair on fire
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
