I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
