So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
