Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
