the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Randomize
