i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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