There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
