To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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