I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
