My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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