you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize