its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
porn star boner night. come get it.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Randomize
