i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Randomize
