I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
