I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
