You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
