No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I think people are normalizing furries
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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