I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
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