Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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