i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Randomize
