what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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