You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
