my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
