don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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