Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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