we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
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