when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Randomize
