I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
