My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
