I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
