i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
