i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
