my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Randomize
