Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
