Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
