I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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