even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize