Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
