I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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