Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
