It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
