Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
