Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
and you fell through a lawn chair
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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