closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
No I am not eating basil off your cock
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Randomize
