i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
