apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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