how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
