He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Randomize
