wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
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