people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I just had sex on a roof
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
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