the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Randomize