I saw his package. It spoke to me.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
