oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Randomize
