we're chasing vodka with high fives
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize