turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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