Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
i jhust puked up my retainher.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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