How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Randomize
