you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
