Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
