Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
