i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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