Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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